Before you go to a new restaurant, you probably go to Yelp to check out what other people have to say about it. You probably also notice how a lot of the reviews are from whiny assholes who just love to complain. When these people get too big for their britches, sometimes you gotta clap back by reviewing their review. Without further ado, I give you the inaugural Yelp Review Reviews.
Our first target destination is none other than the fine eatery that is this Dominos Pizza. Located near the TD Garden, this fine establishment is right up there with Regina’s, Ernesto’s, and Umberto’s when you think of quality pizza places in Boston. Anyone who thinks otherwise is an uncultured swine. On to the reviews:
Ah yes, nothing like seeing an 18 year old physics student try to boom-roast his local Domino’s. Hey nerd, in America we use feet not meters.
Well here’s your first problem Morgan, you ordered a salad from Domino’s. What did you expect? No one actually eats those things. The only reason someone orders a salad at Domino’s is to show their friends how healthy they are, that salad is more trophy than food. Morgan can just get another vegan salad next time shes at crossfit.
There ya go Jaki! That’s the mindset you need when you go to Domino’s. These guys are just punching the clock on that shitty night shift grind. Thank god Jaki was kind enough to look past these minimum wage guys being dudes singing along to some bangers. Not for nothing, but I’ve seen my fair share of videos that start exactly like this.
God help this chick’s ex boyfriend. Ali is no rookie when it comes to watching someone lying about where they are from a window across the street. All Domino’s can do at this point is fake its death and move across the country.
Gotta respect the come up by this guy working the counter. Those POS machines can be a bitch, but when the chips were down, our guy went outside the box and gave himself that insta-promotion. No way Alyssa can come back from that. Even had the grit to finish the transaction and deliver the pizza himself in the pouring rain to a sick person and risk being infected himself. A few more stories like that and were looking at another promotion from manager to CEO.
I do not normally present this fact first, but I’m pretty sure Jonathan lives to tell people he’s vegetarian. With that mugshot/match.com headshot as his avi, those pre-crime toppings of no cheese hot sauce and pineapple are completely in character. Yet again, an A+ move from the manager/counter guy. In situations like these you can’t respond to calls. If you say one wrong thing to a guy like this, you end up in a pit in Jonathan’s basement being forced to put the lotion in the basket.
Mo is gaining confidence since his on-the-fly-promotion, giving a spin-zone for the ages. Jignesh has never in his life had his mind in a pretzel this big. Im no physicist, but thin crust pizza is thinner and has gotta lose its heat faster. Jignesh had nowhere to turn. Point Mo.
Ha, nice try Mo. Burner account on Yelp to get those ratings up is absolutely diabolical. Our man Mo is not afraid to get down and dirty to put some respect on the name of his mildly ratchet Domino’s in the middle of Boston.
And that will do it for the first installment of Yelp Review Reviews. Got a restaurant/chain location you want reviewed? Send in the name of the place in the comments and together we can do our part to shame the whiny patrons on the interwebs.